D-DAY

The summer of 2011 I was in middle of enjoying my children, the sun, the fun and all that comes with vacation time. I was too busy to go to the doctor so I decided to diagnose myself with IBD otherwise known as Irritable Bowel Disease. I had all the symptoms according to my go to site and I was not concerned because I had already suffered from IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome for the majority of my adult life. No big deal, I would make an appointment to see a doctor later.
September came and it was a special beginning because my then 5 year old daughter was starting first grade at a new school and my 4 year old son would be at his preschool without big sis present. Once they were both settled it was time to rev up for our big school fundraiser gala event, my daughters’ 6th Birthday celebration with 35 children, my Birthday, my husband's Birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve. The most exhausting four months of the year for any wife, mother, sister, daughter, grandmother, and well worth the effort.

I did however find time in mid-December to see a gastroenterologist and she booked a colonoscopy for me right away ,but I had to reschedule because there were some big holiday shows I had to attend. Connor had his Christmas concert, cast as Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer and Sophia was cast as a snowflake in The Sugar Plum, her first big performance at her new school. I could NOT miss either of those magical moments, and I didn't.

My doctor suggested that I may have colitis. That sounded fair enough to me. The procedure could wait. February 8, 2012 I checked into Cedars Sinai Medical Center for a routine colonoscopy. Two days later my doctor called to set up an appointment and in my relaxed free spirited way said sure what does next week look like?

She told me in a calm but serious voice “Allyson, I need you to come in now.” I asked “Now as in right now?” She said “Yes.” There was a brief silence as my heart rate accelerated and I could feel my breath double in time. “Am I going to die?” I asked. “No” she said “but I need to see you today.”

My mind was racing and my hands were shaking. I could barely think. All I could do was get myself together enough to call my best friend in Vancouver. We had just booked tickets that morning to see Madonna, which was very exciting, and Theresa asked me if I heard back from my doctor. Eager to dismiss that thought and focus on Striking a Pose with my all time favorite performer I responded with "no worries, it's nothing serious." She then said "OK great, but just call to confirm." Theresa is my voice of reason. Now it is 2:23pm Friday afternoon and I am frantically calling her back. To my relief she picked up the phone and I immediately broke down which is very rare for me. Theresa told me to take deep breaths, which I did, remain calm, go to see my doctor and call her immediately after. I hung up with Theresa , called my husband in tears and told him to go pick up Sophia from school. I then called another one of my best friends, explained the situation in more tears and asked if she could please pick up Connor from preschool. Our sons were best friends, we were best friends, and I knew I could count on her. The children were now safe and well taken care of. Motherhood precedes all. Another breath.

As I parked my car and walked the 2 long blocks to my doctor’s office all I could think to myself was the phrase I have heard in so many prison movies, DEAD MAN WALKING. Not that I watch a lot of prison movies but that was the phrase that came to mind and would not leave. The chant rolled over and over in my head.
Was I? Me? Allyson? The dead man now walking? Is this real? Could this be happening? Is this a nightmare? Am I going to wake up? Am I going to live? Am I going to die? OHHHH GOD! HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME PLEASE!

I paced in the waiting room and then I paced even more once the nurse lead me to the examining room. The room where I would learn my fate. I prayed to God. Being a practicing Catholic I alternated between The Our Father and Hail Mary. I like the good ole classics. The minutes passed like hours and I thought about the first time I was in this office. The doctor was late because she had to counsel the previous patient who had just received bad news. What and how bad could my news be?

At last my doctor walked in. She sat down on a chair and I was at the end of the examining table with my legs hanging over the edge like a little child. She looked at me and put her hands on my knees.

She did not have to say anything because I already knew. Without giving her a chance to reveal the dirty words I bowed my head and as I sobbed through muffled breaths I stated “I have cancer.” She held my trembling hands, trying to comfort me during this earth shattering news and said “Yes, I am afraid so.”

I would like to dedicate #internationalwomensday 2021 to my beautiful sister, Carolyn Gilda Phelan who was the most courageous, generous, kindest, caring, and loving woman I know. You want to see a woman who had the inner strength of a Superhero? Well, that was my sister. Diagnosed with leukemia at the young age of 12, and beat it after 4 long years of fighting. The original diagnosis was that she only had 2 months to live. In my big, crazy, loving, Italian, Catholic family she was considered a miracle and she was! Carolyn went into remission and we were beyond thrilled and excited for her.

Then... the cancer came back with a vengeance, forcing her to go back to the battlefield where she fought like a heavy-weight champion for her life, once again. Carolyn never fully recovered after that brutal assault but she did not let evil cancer stop her from LIVING A FULL AND HAPPY LIFE. Carolyn stepped into this compromised situation with grace and NEVER, EVER, COMPLAINED
about the tragic hand she was dealt.

I miss her every day and I cry. Tears full of joyful memories, tears full of pain and sadness. The tears of life to help soothe my broken heart. I also talk to her and laugh with her and CELEBRATE HER as if we were home in North Vancouver sitting at the kitchen table sipping tea and enjoying her fresh-baked famous, delicious, homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Thank you, my AMAZING sister for teaching me how to show up with a great big smile, a warm hug, and a genuine compliment... regardless. Celine Dion's Musical Masterpiece, "Because You Loved Me" has been on autoplay in my mind ever since I woke up this morning.

Dearest Cao, I just want you to know that
"I'm Everything I am Because You Loved Me".

Carolyn Gilda Phelan
December 19th, 1961-May 9th, 2020